


IRL

by rieunn



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, Dad Strider - Freeform, Dave English - Freeform, David Egbert | Dirk's Bro - Freeform, Dick Jokes, Dirk Egbert - Freeform, Fluff and Humor, Homestuck Kidswap, Jade Lalonde - Freeform, Jake Strider - Freeform, Jane Lalonde - Freeform, M/M, Matchmaking, Meet-Cute, Motivational Talks, Movie Nerds, Online Dating, Online Relationship, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Questioning, Relationship Anxiety, Rose Crocker - Freeform, Roxy Harley - Freeform, Sexuality Crisis, Slice of Life, ghosting, innuendos, john strider - Freeform, supportive families
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27931597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rieunn/pseuds/rieunn
Summary: An ironic theory on a movie forum brings about an unlikely relationship. Things get complicated fast.(This is a kidswap AU. It features Dirk Egbert and John Strider and so on and so forth!)___________TT: i have been waiting for this moment. i knew you'd unblock me eventually, but, man... three whole days? a bit much over some simple man nipples, donnie.EB: Oh god. I knew this was a mistake.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 27
Kudos: 52
Collections: DirkJohn Big Bang 2020





	1. does donnie darko is gay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again everyone!
> 
> First and foremost, I would like to thank my three talented artists for the amazing pieces done for this 2020 DirkJohn Big Bang submission; [allison_mchugh_](https://www.instagram.com/allison_mchugh_/?hl=en%20rel=) and [shadowdustcosplay](https://www.instagram.com/shadowdustcosplay/?hl=en%20rel=) and [cryptidkale](https://www.instagram.com/cryptidkale/?hl=en%20rel=)! They are all absolutely fucking amazing and I cannot wait to update this work fully with all their masterpieces! Please follow the links above to find these wonderful artist' and cosplayers' accounts and give them some much-deserved love!
> 
> Secondly, I'd like to also thank [ectobaby](https://www.instagram.com/ectobaby/) for contributing to the pesterlog dialogue of this first chapter! It was a big help in getting me started and trying to figure out how I wanted the boys' personalities to operate. Please also go and check his work out if you can!
> 
> Lastly, unfortunately, this fic is not quite finished. There will be around 4-5 chapters, and I am currently working on chapter 3. I _hope_ to update on a weekly basis, but what with this week being finals week for me and then having to go home once again for the holidays, I am not quite sure how much progress I will be able to make. It will 100% be completed soon, but alas! I cannot provide you all with a consistent posting schedule. Hopefully, my writing is decent enough to entice you all to bear with me for this ride. 
> 
> Thank you for wanting to read this work!

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191495793@N07/50746183626/in/dateposted/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/191495793@N07/50746290567/in/photostream/)

\-- FLICKTHEORY user tenaciousTully [TT] opened up the forum “donnie darko: the glaringly self-evident theory that no one talks about for some reason - which ends now” --

TT: look, at the end of the day, no one fucking knows what donnie darko is actually about. not the fans. not the actors. not even the fuckin' director. yeah, you heard me. i know he dished out some pretentious ass answer about confirming all theories or timelines in an old interview but, you know what? in my opinion, that's just a cheap cop out. (which is a _terrible_ movie, by the way. stop with the fuckin' buddy cop movies, yeesh.)

TT: we can argue semantics all day long about all the shit that happens and why it does but... i'm pretty sure i've cracked it. so, buckle up, buttercup.

TT: to kick this shit off: everyone wants to focus on how deep runs the psychology behind the events that occur, yeah? typically, this manifests itself in the linking of donnie's actions and frank's existence to mental illness. and, okay. sure, that's part of it, no doubt. but we aren't going _deep_ enough. we need to be _balls_ deep, know what i'm sayin'?

TT: so, this brings me to case point #01: let's discuss donnie's obvious laden sexual repression.

TT: i'm not talkin' about his awkward fumble with gretchen. no, no. that's _too_ on the nose. if anything, we can go ahead and write her off as a heteronormative prop for his performance. say your fuckin' farewells, gretchen. you big, fat, white, nasty smellin', fat bitch. i'm putting donnie back on the motherfuckin' lgbtq+ schedule, where he belongs.

TT: speaking of which: i'm not point-blank saying there was sexual tension between donnie and frank, but you know what? i'm not discounting it, either. i _do_ believe it to be completely one-sided and unrequited if it exists but, nonetheless, it’s something to consider.

TT: _"why do you wear that stupid bunny suit?"_ (01:19:43) i don't need to spell this out for you, but seeing that it's subtext, maybe i do. clearly, donnie is addressing the concept of homosexuality here. brave shit if you ask me.

TT: and if we put frank in the role of our "homosexual", his response becomes very interesting. _"why are you wearing that stupid man suit?"_ (01:19:50) ah, yes, a _clear_ euphemism for being a closeted gay man. so, you see. undoubtedly, frank can be seen as a parallel to donnie's repressed homosexuality.

TT: case point #02: smurfette doesn't fuck.

TT: what teenage bro insists smurfette doesn't fuck?

TT: a gay one.

TT: moving on.

TT: case point #03: actually, do i really even _need_ to mention the bully? the fucking _bathroom scene?_ you could show me that clip out of context and tell me it's from a gay porno and i wouldn't bat a fuckin' eyelash.

TT: in conclusion; donnie's choosing to create a wormhole and go back in time to ensure that he's killed by the jet engine is clearly all an elaborate metaphor for his struggle to kill his inner homophobia and accept himself for who he is. as you notice, gretchen becomes obsolete. erased from the narrative. good riddance.

TT: so, maybe the director doesn't know jack shit about his own movie. but _i_ do. so, you're welcome.

\-- equineBranchus [EB] began replying to the forum “donnie darko: the glaringly self-evident theory that no one talks about for some reason - which ends now” --

EB: Oh my _god._ What is this? Is it a joke, haha?

TT: what’s comedic about my extremely eloquent, well-thought out theory forum post?

TT: please, enlighten me, stranger.

EB: ...

EB: Weird phrasing aside, it’s... you _can’t_ be serious? Everything you posted here is totally wacky, dude!

TT: like what? explain.

EB: Uh, isn’t it obvious? Come on, you _must_ be trolling, buddy. Anyone with a brain and eyeballs can see it! All your points are so dumb. This theory is so out there that even calling it a _reach_ would be generous! That downvote you see on your post? Where did it come from, you ask?? Well, look no further than yours truly!

TT: oh? i'm sorry. do i need to spill some more sick fuckin' facts?

EB: Oh my god, no? Listen; Donnie Darko is _not_ a homosexual. This is already slander as it is! I don't want to see any more of your facts that aren't actually facts, and neither does anyone else on this site, I’m pretty sure!!

TT: donnie darko is gay and there isn't shit you can do about it.

EB: He's not! You're just dumb! It's not canon at all!

EB: Bluh, this is stupid, you’re definitely a troll!!!

TT: are you... _really_ arguing the validity of canon to me over donnie darko? is that a thing that you're actually doing?

TT: _"i can do anything i want. and so can you."_ (00:43:28) that's a literal quote from the movie, by the way. i'm telling you because you clearly didn't watch it.

EB: Ugh. Again, this is so stupid! Context matters? I did watch it, and they were talking about something totally different and much more serious!

EB: Bluh, I don't want to talk to you anymore, stop replying to me. We just disagree, okay?

TT: absolutely not.

TT: i think it's time to dig into _your_ subtext.

EB: I think it's time for you to shut up! >:/

TT: could it be that you're uncomfortable with accepting donnie's repressed sexuality because you, yourself, are repressed? sexually?

EB: ...

EB: _What?????_

TT: wow, italics _and_ five whole questions marks.

TT: i'm taking that as a resounding "yes".

EB: What! Hey, _no!!!_ Stop reading into my punctuation whatever kind of way you want! I am _not_ gay! Like, _at all!_ What is your deal!! >:(

TT: i am very gay.

EB: ...

TT: _so_ gay.

EB: ...Okay?

TT: _super_ gay.

EB: Okay!!! Okay, jeez! I get it.

TT: does that bother you?

EB: No! Not at all! Good for you? I'm glad you know that about yourself. Now could you _please_ stop talking to me?

TT: c'mon. i personally think we're gettin' to the real meat of the issue here.

EB: Ugh, what issue? Seriously, what are you even talking about? :/

TT: your _very_ apparent issue with homosexuality and it's proximity to you.

EB: Oh my fucking _god!_ Listen, dude, I don't have an "issue" with homosexuality!! If you wanna be _super_ gay with all your _super_ gay friends doing _super_ gay things, that's great! For YOU!! What, are you some kind of weird gay post guard? I don't have to _be_ gay myself to be allowed to disagree with your forum post about a character being gay!

EB: Or sexually repressed! Or whatever it was you said!

EB: I don't even know anymore!

EB: It was all so dumb I stopped paying attention midway in!

TT: whatever you say, donnie.

EB: ... Why are you calling me that? What are you implying.

TT: you know.

EB: No??? I don't believe I do. You're so weird! Just stop bothering me!!

EB: Getting all these meaningless and unnecessary notifications from this thread kinda sucks.

TT: you're... on _my_ post.

TT: i think that means _you're_ the one bothering _me,_ dude.

EB: I'm not, though! You're the one who said you wouldn't leave me alone when I tried to leave things off as an agree-to-disagree. >:/

TT: because agree-to-disagree mentality is complete and utter evasive bullshit.

EB: That is so stupid! _You're_ stupid! Bluh!

TT: i'm not the one repeating myself.

TT: saying something is stupid over and over doesn't make it so.

EB: It does to me! I don't care whether or not YOU think it's stupid. That's more subjective than you're making it out to be!

TT: maybe. but seeing as you're actively engaged in a conversation with me, wouldn't it make sense to say that you do care what i think?

TT: why else did you respond in the first place? if not to argue your way to my attention?

TT: also, you might wanna chill out a bit before you get us banned for discourse that goes against community guidelines or some shit. jesus.

TT: holy shit, you've been typing for a while.

TT: i'm _so_ scared right now. absolutely _quivering._ i think i just peed my pants a little.

TT: the big bad donnie darko sexuality gatekeeper is gonna give me a serious verbal thrashing, oh god, oh fuck, oh no.

TT: well, folks. this is it. the battle of the century. be right back, gotta hype myself a up a little - oh, wait, do you guys think i'll even have time for that? there's no telling when he will strike. the absolute goddamn _madman._

EB: 1) Shut up, oh my god, you talk _so_ much! 2) I absolutely DO NOT care what you think? I’m just bored, trying to scroll through forum posts for this movie to unwind and entertain myself – and I keep getting annoying notifications from this thread. 3) Fuck you, you're also escalating the situation. If we got banned it'd at least _partially_ be your fault! Besides, I haven't seen a mod around yet and we've been at this for a while. So, that seems unlikely! 4) I want YOUR attention? Uh, no?? In fact, I think maybe YOU'RE the one who wants MY attention??

EB: Are you _flirting_ with me??????

TT: if i said yes, would you give me your chumhandle?

EB: !!!!!

EB: _WHAT!!!!!_

TT: cool it. i'm totally yankin' your chain.

EB: Oh. Man, you really had me worried there for a second!

TT: haha, yeah, no worries. i already got it from your flicktheory profile.

EB: ... YOU _WHAT!!!!_

\-- FLICKTHEORY moderator carcinoGeneticist [CG] has banned user(s) equineBranchus [EB] and tenaciousTully [TT] from responding to the forum. "WILL BOTH OF YOU BLITHERING FUCKS SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOP CLOGGING THE FORUM SERVER WITH YOUR REPULSIVE ANTAGONISTIC FLIRTING? PLEASE AND FUCKING THANK YOU. GO VERBALLY SUCK EACH OTHERS' DICKS ON SOME OTHER PLATFORM." --

* * *

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] began pestering equineBranchus [EB] \--

TT: _anyways,_ as i was saying.

TT: branchus? really, donnie?

EB: Ugggghhhh. Go away. >:(

TT: not until you tell me if you really, seriously, actually think branchus was just apollo's really, really good bro.

EB: I don't want to!

TT: please. humor me.

EB: ...

TT: c’mon, donnie.

EB: No! >:(

TT: tell me. you know you want to. i can see it written all over your angry little emoticon.

EB: Ugh!

EB: God! Okay, fine. Jeez.

TT: heh.

EB: But only to get you to leave me alone about it!

TT: of course, of course.

EB: So, first of all, maybe a _very_ small (like, _REALLY_ tiny) plus one brownie point in your favor for knowing anything at all about Greek Mythology, I guess.

EB: But, to answer your question: yeah? I do! I know what the literature says. That Branchus was a "lover" of Apollo, or whatever. But that can be interpreted many different ways, and I think - given the historical context and the fact that he built him a shrine - that, really, that just means he was a follower and disciple, of sorts!

TT: _holy fucking shit._

EB: ...?

TT: do i need to call search and rescue?

EB: What are you on about now? >:/

TT: i mean, you're clearly so deep in the closet you might need the whole damn fire department to get you out.

EB: ...

EB: I'm blocking you.

TT: sexy firemen.

EB: ???? Stop!

TT: the kind with just pants and a hat.

EB: C'mon, man! It's not funny.

TT: a big fuckin' hazard on the job, honestly.

EB: Hello??? What did I just say?

TT: we don't want third degree burns on those perky nipples, do we?

EB: What the fuck???

TT: man nipples, donnie.

EB: Stop! Ugggghhhhhh. I'm really blocking you!!!

\-- equineBranchus [EB] blocked tenaciousTully [TT] \--

* * *

\-- equineBranchus [EB] unblocked tenaciousTully [TT] \--

TT: look who comes crawling back.

TT: i have been waiting patiently for this moment. i knew you'd unblock me eventually, but, man... three whole days? a bit much over some simple man nipples, donnie.

EB: Oh god. I _knew_ this was a mistake.

EB: Man, no offense, but are you really this desperate for social interaction? :/

TT: offense taken in full.

EB: Good. Now leave me alone. :)

TT: i've been worried about you.

EB: ... What?

TT: thought maybe you'd suffocated under the weight of your repressed homosexuality.

TT: glad to see you're alive and well, bro.

EB: ... I hate you. I'm going to block you again. Any last words?

TT: okay, wait, wait.

TT: sorry, i guess.

TT: for what it's worth, i'm joking. i'll ease up on the closet comments; i don't actually know if you're harboring any secret big gay thoughts. but i do think maybe you should take a look at your preconceived notions about the subject. that shit can be toxic.

EB: ... I... I don't have any preconceived notions.

EB: But. Um. Okay, I guess. I'm sorry, too. For all the rude stuff I said under your post. :/

TT: it's fine.

TT: i'll be honest, it was mostly bullshit to get a rise out of dudes like you. no offense.

EB: "Offense taken in full."

EB: Hehe.

TT: my deepest apologies that you fell for my bait.

TT: my worm on a hook.

TT: not a phallic worm, don't worry.

EB: Why do you have to make your analogies so weird?

EB: Of course the worm isn't phallic. It's a _worm._

TT: worms can be phallic.

TT: do me a favor.

EB: I... Only if you think of them as such? I guess? But uh. Depends on the favor?

TT: open up google. type in "urechis caupo". click images.

EB: ... Um. I don't think I should do that. This is definitely a trick to get me to look at some kind of weird thing. And, no offense, but you're kind of a random stranger from a weird forum! I don't really trust you. :/

TT: i'm just trying to teach you some simple biology, dorko.

EB: ... This new nickname is somehow even worse than the last one and I do not appreciate it at all. >:( But. Ugh. Okay, be right back.

TT: have fun, _dorko._

EB: ...

EB: You can not see me, obviously, but right now I am smacking my forehead so fucking hard.

EB: I _knew_ I should have blocked you again.

EB: Oh my god, they seriously look SO WEIRD!!!!

TT: that's the wonders of planet earth for you.

EB: I hate it here.

TT: thank god we're livin' in the matrix, huh?

EB: ... We're not, though?

TT: do you take _everything_ literally?

EB: Do you make _everything_ weird and gay?

TT: yeah.

TT: speaking of weird and gay, do you want to watch a movie with me?

TT: i have a theory i want to test.

EB: ...

EB: I am squinting at you from behind my screen.

TT: i'm sure it's adorable.

EB: UH. _NO???_

EB: But, um. Uh.

EB: It better not be some kind of weird porn or something!

EB: That's all I have to say.

EB: Yeah.

TT: bro. why would i show you porn?

EB: "weird and gay"

EB: Your words, not mine!!

EB: You weren't specific!

EB: I just!!

EB: Wanted to make sure!!!

TT: hm. come to think of it, vampires, by nature, are pretty pornographic, i guess. maybe you have a point. a single one.

TT: anyways, what do you say?

EB: Oh, it's just vampires. Uh. Okay, I guess?

TT: do you want to embark on an adventure of love, betrayal, loneliness, and-

TT: oh, okay.

TT: didn't really expect you to say yes so quickly. thought i was going to have to really sell it.

EB: Oh, never mind then, I revoke my consent to watching the movie. Sell it to me!!

TT: nope, haha, too late. we'll let the art speak for itself. less work for me.

EB: I doubt it's THAT good.

TT: dorko. _please._

EB: I just feel like you're messing with me again, so I'm not seeing the appeal!

TT: you will.

EB: Doubtful.

TT: okay, i've got everything set up. follow this link. https://twoseven.xyz/bfhejbsyag

* * *

EB: Okay, listen!

EB: Before you say _anything:_ just because two vampire guys raise a girl together and seem pretty close doesn't automatically mean they're _GAY!_ Why do they _HAVE_ to be gay!

TT: they are. were you even _watching,_ dorko?

TT: no, hold on. let's roleplay here, for a second.

EB: :/

TT: me and you, got it? i turn you into a vampire. in doing so, you very tenderly drink my blood. then we proceed to live together in a big fancy mansion.

EB: Okay. And?

TT: then we turn a kid and raise her together as our own.

TT: that seems... _not_ gay to you?

TT: you'd be down to do that with me?

TT: just... live together and have a child.

TT: you wouldn't think 'hmm. this feels a _little_ romantic.'

TT: you wouldn't think even _once_ about kissin' me on my crazy vampire lips?

EB: I mean. Not really? It could seriously just be more of a familial bond of closeness given their shared vampiric circumstances.

EB: Like I said! It doesn't HAVE to be gay.

EB: So, your roleplay theory or whatever is dumb.

TT: i don't buy it. i think you're being obtuse on purpose.

TT: nah, actually, y'know what? you're right.

TT: lestat is louis's vampire daddy. that's not gay at all.

EB: Why do you have to put it like that? Of course it's gonna sound weird when you say it that way! I'm starting to think you make things weird on purpose!

TT: _me?_ make things weird _on purpose???_ dorko. i am not only disappointed by this, but deeply wounded by it, as well. i would _never._

EB: ...

EB: I can literally feel your sarcasm through my screen, you asshole.

EB: Ugh. You know what? You kinda remind me of him!

EB: Lestat.

EB: You both talk way too much and say a bunch of weird things and are kinda annoying.

TT: and we're both _incredibly_ sexy.

EB: Aha! I'm going to start calling you that in retaliation for--

EB: Wait, no!

TT: too late, you think i'm sexy by association, no take backs. also, i think this means that, deep down, you want a vampire daddy, too. jealous of louis, are we?

EB: What? No!!! I don't--

EB: Ugh, you're so weird! >:(

TT: thank you.

EB: Don't say thank you to that. It was _not_ a compliment!

TT: don't tell me what to do.

EB: I can tell you what to do if I want to!!! :P

EB: Besides, it's not like you _have_ to do what I say.

TT: ... but i could, i guess.

EB: I mean. Yeah? You could, haha. That would be kind of funny.

TT: yeah. okay.

EB: ...'Okay'?

TT: yep, 'okay.' go ahead, man. try me. maybe i'll do what you say.

EB: Haha, oh my god, okay. Stop talking to me! :P

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] ceased pestering equineBranchus [EB] \--

EB: Oh. I didn't think that would like. Actually work. Huh.

EB: Are you like... _seriously_ not going to talk to me??

EB: Like. _At all?_

EB: Even though you were super all over me earlier and have been for like the past few days?

EB: Oh, I meant!!

EB: Like, not all over me in _THAT_ way!

EB: Haha!

EB: Just.

EB: The way that... isn't... that way.

EB: ...

EB: Wait. Is this for real?

EB: Are we joking?

EB: ...

EB: Uh.

EB: I didn't mean it?

EB: Will you come back if I, like..

EB: Ask or tell you to? :/

EB: Oh, but, it's not like I really _want_ to talk to you!

EB: I'm just.

EB: Bored!!

EB: ...

EB: Oh man, you're _seriously_ gonna make me ask? :/

EB: Jeez.

EB: Um. Please stop not talking to me?

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] began pestering equineBranchus [EB] \--

TT: you can do better than that, but okay, whatever. i'm back. that was dumb.

EB: Oh hey, you responded! It worked, cool.

TT: dude, you have no idea how hard it was to refrain from coming back just to mock you and your tsundere "i-it's not like i wanna talk to you or anything!! b-baka! uwu" lookin' ass.

EB: ??? What's a 'tsundere?'

TT:

TT: are you serious right now.

EB: Um. Yeah?

TT: アニメさえ理解していない人とどうやってやおいをすることができますか？

EB: ???

EB: I bet you're just calling me dumb or something, so I'm not even gonna bother looking that up.

TT: pfff. yeah, okay, fine by me. your loss.

TT: moving on. so, even though you're in _serious_ denial about the nature of lestat and louis' relationship... did you like the movie?

EB: Oh, yeah! It was really interesting! :)

TT: cool, cool.

TT: nice.

EB: This isn't normally the kind of stuff I watch so it was nice to see something a little different for once.

TT: what kind of stuff do you normally watch?

EB: ... You're going to make fun of me. I don't wanna give you more material to mock me with!!!

TT: no, dude. i'm being for real.

EB: ... Promise? I'm blocking you again if you say something mean!

TT: pinky swear, dorko.

EB: Squints. Ignoring the nickname! But, uh...

EB: Gosh. Okay. I'm sorta into MLP...

TT: ...

EB: ... Okay, yeah, bye!

TT: no, wait.

TT: sorry.

TT: i just.

TT: _mlp._

EB: ... Um, yeah. Sorry, I know it's kinda weird. :(

TT: no, no. this is fascinating.

EB: What do you mean?

TT: _you're_ the strange one.

EB: So you ARE making fun of me! >:/

EB: It's not strange! The animation is cute and, honestly? There's some pretty deep themes when you really start analyzing it and stuff, okay!!

EB: There's nothing wrong with liking it. Hmph.

TT: i didn't say that!

TT: you're putting stuff in my mouth.

EB: I'm not putting anything in your mouth!

TT: ...

EB: Yep! Nothing of mine going near your mouth. At all.

TT: just a curious question but, do you hear yourself?

EB: Um...

EB: Yes.

EB: Well. No. I'm not talking out loud. Just! Reading what I'm saying. Haha.

EB: So. Yes, I am perceiving these words I write as they are being written.

TT: _wow._

TT: so, it's _not_ just a willful ignorance.

TT: you _really_ don't see all these freudian slips.

EB: ...What?

EB: Back with the making no sense stuff again, I see.

TT: tell me about mlp.

TT: who's your favorite?

EB: ... Uhm. Well, I mean there's been a lot of versions but the one I'm into is MLP: Friendship is Magic! And basically it's mainly about this pony, Twilight Sparkle who is on a quest to learn about friendship at Princess Celestia's behest. She makes a ton of friends, obviously.

EB: And my favorite...

EB: I don't know why I feel like I shouldn't say this? But.

TT: _please, god._ tell me it's rainbow dash.

EB: !!

EB: Oh man, yeah! How did you know? :0

TT: just a big, huge, gay hunch.

EB: ... What does being gay have to do with it? I mean, other than. The rainbow. Which isn't explicitly a gay thing, you know!

EB: Just a bunch of nice colors, all hanging out.

TT: yeah, not putting things in each other's mouths.

EB: ...

EB: Okay. So, I maybe got that one slip, earlier. I just didn't say anything. Cause it was already weird. And that's not even what I meant, anyway!

EB: I typed it out on impulse. :/

TT: on _impulse._ interesting.

EB: You seem to find a lot of things interesting.

EB: I feel like I'm being made fun of again... I am once again squinting.

TT: once again, i'm sure it's mind-numbingly adorable to my extreme detriment.

EB: It's not adorable!!! It's suspicious!!!

EB: I am being _very_ suspicious.

EB: THAT is to your detriment.

TT: i'm shaking in my boots.

TT: you've left me a quivering mess.

EB: Good. ;P

EB: Oh, haha, whoops.

EB: :P*

TT: ... you're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

EB: Doing what on purpose?

TT: _this._

EB: ... You're going to have to be more specific! I don't know what you mean???

TT: nothing.

EB: ?

EB: Okay?

TT: nah, you know what? in all seriousness, i get that you're not gay. that's fine. whatever. but you can stop fucking with me now.

EB: ...

EB: Um...

EB: I'm really, um. I'm not sure I'm following...

EB: Are you upset? Did I do something wrong?

TT: ... jesus fucking christ. you're...

TT: no. it's fine. sorry.

TT: actually, i'm being called, so. i'm just going to go. later, bro.

EB: Oh, um. Okay?

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] has ceased pestering equineBranchus [EB] \--

* * *

\-- equineBranchus [EB] began pestering tenaciousTully [TT] \--

EB: So, um.

EB: I realize you haven't messaged me back since we sorta left things off weird. And that that was _probably_ for a reason. But, uhm. Well, I don't mean to bother you, but, uh...

EB: I don't really know who else to talk to who... knows about this kind of stuff, I guess? Or.

EB: I guess I could go to a friend, but... everything is already so weird.

TT: what's up?

EB: Oh, hi! Sorry, uh... I just. Okay, so. I had a weird conversation with my brother today. Um.

EB: About... being gay?

EB: Just in general.

EB: Well.

EB: Okay, _not_ in general, actually.

EB: Ugh. I don't know!

TT: is your bro gay?

TT: because, i'll be honest. if that's what this is about, i can see where the problem might be. you're gonna need to work on your sensitivity there, dude. you just got lucky with me last time, since i've got tough skin.

EB: Oh. Uh... yeah, I'm sorry about all that. But. Well, I mean, he's bi. But we didn't really talk about _him_ being bi.

TT: oh, nice. is he hot?

EB: ... I... I don't know??? Ugh, no, maybe this wasn't a great idea.

TT: no, shit, sorry. i was joking. go on.

TT: what's eating at you?

TT: so bad that you'd have to come to _me_ and not your hot, bi bro?

EB: ... Weird adjectives aside, I _did_ sorta go to him. That's what started this.

TT: about?

TT: need you to be more specific if we're gonna get anywhere, here.

EB: I just. I asked him about. Like, what if I had a crush on... a guy. And he...

EB: Ugh.

EB: He sorta thought I was _already_ gay? Like, genuinely? But I _wasn't?_ And so now I'm really confused!!

EB: Because, that's my _brother,_ you know? He practically _raised_ me. Sometimes, I think he knows me better than I know myself.

EB: Plus, my friends joke about it all the time, too, so now I'm worried that maybe those weren't actually jokes?

EB: But, this is all so weird to me because... I've never had a boyfriend! Or, really, I guess I should say I've never really had a crush on _anyone?_

EB: And I'm just. Sorta freaking out. Sorry.

TT: oh, shit.

TT: okay.

TT: hey, look. maybe you are. maybe you aren't? it's cool to like... experiment, or whatever.

TT: figure out what you like and what you don't like. what you're comfortable with. shit like that.

TT: it's cool.

TT: it's fine, i promise.

TT: if you like dudes, so what?

TT: i like dudes and look at me. i'm pretty fuckin' awesome.

EB: Well. I appreciate it, but... you're _you,_ Lestat.

EB: And I... I don't know the first thing about any of this kind of stuff. And it's like... what if I'm _wrong?_ I don't wanna hurt anyone. Or get hurt. And I'm already weird enough as it is with all the niche interests I have. I just...

EB: Adding one more thing makes me feel like I wanna tear my hair out.

EB: Besides, I don't even know for sure!!

EB: This is all just based on...

EB: Um.

EB: A hypothetical.

TT: _a hypothetical._

EB: Yeah.

TT: ... okay. so, first of all: you're not actually that weird, bro. And you said so yourself - everyone already thought you were. so, what is there to lose, really? in fact, it seems like more than anything, you've just got a shit ton of support. that's more than most could ask for.

EB: ... Well, okay, yeah! I'm not trying to take that for granted or anything; you're probably right, and I know that's how it SHOULD seem, but...

EB: Lestat, if everyone else thinks you are something that you haven't even _thought_ about until recently, does it make you that thing?

EB: For some reason I feel so averse to...

EB: Essentially, proving them right.

TT: no. it's up to _you_ to decide who you are. but, yeah, i see what you mean...

TT: i get it.

TT: at the end of the day, though, you gotta do you.

TT: whatever makes you happy.

TT: would kissin' a dude make you happy?

EB: ... Um. I don't know. Maybe not just _any_ dude. But. Maybe.

EB: I really don't know.

EB: I haven't even tried it yet, and I can't really imagine it.

EB: :/

TT: well, i'm not going to suggest goin' around kissing strangers.

TT: maybe just watch some porn first.

TT: dicks only, though. just to be sure.

EB: WhatVCGHDSJ

TT: see if it gets your engine revved.

TT: ...what was with that reaction?

TT: you've already watched gay porn, haven't you?

\-- equineBranchus [EB] is now an idle chum --

TT: ... bro. did you _leave_ to go watch it?

TT: goddamn. i had no idea my humble suggestion would be taken so seriously and with such diligence.

TT: sheddin' a fuckin tear over here with how proud i am of you, bro. literally taking matters into your own hands. congratulations, dorko.

TT: tell me how it went when you get back.

* * *

EB: I did not leave to watch porn! Oh my god!

EB: And why would I let you know, even if I did???

EB: That's so fucking _awkward!_

TT: just figured you'd want to tell someone about your sexuality experimentation adventure, and considering that i'm the one you decided to come to to begin with...

TT: well. anyways, do you want some good links?

TT: what's your poison?

EB: NO!

EB: I'm good!!

EB: _Very_ good!!! Thanks!!

TT: .... you're typing like a guy with one hand. still at it?

EB: I’M _NOT_ JACKING IT, OH MY _GOD!_

TT: whoa there. calm your tits. i'm not here to judge, dude.

TT: i mean if you wanna jerk off to some shitty amateur gay porno while you're talkin' to me, that's your prerogative.

TT: you don't see _me_ complainin'.

EB: God, _please_ stop talking. My brother came in to talk to me and I got startled! That's all!

TT: ... your bro came in... yeah. okay. sure. you can just say you jerked it, dude. it's fine.

EB: No, really! He did!

TT: given the timing, i'm not convinced. but okay, whatever. continue to live in denial.

EB: You can't see me but I'm rolling my eyes. Whatever, Lestat.

EB: ...

EB: But, um, hey. Jokes aside. Thanks for listening to me earlier and stuff. I'm freaking out way less now.

TT: oh.

TT: yeah, no problem, dorko.

EB: :)

TT: oh man. i counsel you _one_ time on your mild sexuality crisis and i've already graduated from getting angry or suspicious emoticons to getting smiley ones? wonder what sick relationship loot my next good deed will bring.

EB: Don't push it. :P

EB: But, um.

EB: Anyways. I think I should probably go. It's, uh, getting pretty late here. Thanks, again, seriously. I hope I'll be able to figure this stuff out, haha.

TT: wait.

EB: ?

TT: ... what if...

TT: nah, never mind. i hope you do, too, dude.

TT: not just for your sake, but for everyone else's sake too, because, jesus. it's a lot to handle, no offense.

EB: Offense taken in full. Hehehe.

TT: ... this is gonna become a thing with you, isn't it?

EB: Yup! Anyways, bye! Catch you later!

\-- equineBranchus [EB] ceased pestering tenaciousTully [TT] \--

TT: ... _later,_ huh?

TT: ...

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] ceased pestering equineBranchus [EB] \--

* * *

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] began pestering equineBranchus [EB] \--

TT: so, i've been thinking.

EB: _Oh no._

TT: did you ever go against my advice and find some random dude to kiss? y’know, get into step four of the scientific method of your sexuality?

EB: ...Uh. No. I’ve just been... No. Why?

TT: ok, don’t get freaked out or anything, but...

TT: if you _wanted..._ you could try dating me.

EB: ... Haha! Oh man, real funny, Lestat.

EB: You almost had me! Good one!

TT: i’m not joking. i’m _100%_ serious, dorko.

TT: i mean, you can’t exactly feel me out in-person, but i was thinking maybe that could be a good thing for you, y’know? there’d be no pressure, and it’s not like there’s really anything at stake if the relationship doesn’t work out. you can just focus on figuring out how you feel about “the whole gay thing”.

EB: ...

EB: I don’t know, dude. That seems a little... weird? And also like maybe I’d be taking advantage of you, somehow? Which doesn’t seem cool to me. :/

TT: taking advantage? no, man, it’s not like that. it’d be casual. it doesn’t have to be a _big deal_ or anything. we don’t have to make it a big deal.

EB: Oh, jeez. Um. Well, but, if it’s not in person how would it even work? How am I supposed to figure out if I like guys when I can’t really be physically _around_ you to figure it out?

TT: we can do calls and send pictures. obviously.

EB: Uh! I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that!

TT: cool your jets, that’s not what i meant.

EB: Doubtful. :/

TT: it’s _not,_ dumbass. i meant that we could do call dates or something. stream video games or movies, like we have been, but non-platonically.

TT: i’ll blow you kisses through the screen in the middle of a horror movie when you’re scared and trembling or somethin’. put my metaphorical arm around your shoulder.

EB: ...

TT: i could also send you pictures of myself and casey, if you wanted, a special privilege i would only _ever_ grant to a boyfriend.

EB: ... Casey?

TT: the love of my life. my one and only. my muse.

EB: Your...?

TT: salamander.

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] sent equineBranchus [EB] an image file --

EB: Oh my god!!!

TT: cute, isn’t she?

EB: She’s _adorable!_ Pretty orange eyes...

TT: and to think if you’d just date me, you’d get to see her ( _and_ me; don’t forget) every single day.

EB: ... Tempting.

TT: ... so? what’s the verdict, dorko?

EB: Can you give me a little to think it over? Sorry, I just... I don’t wanna jump into it.

TT: yeah, sure. like i said, no pressure or anything. just... get back to me.

EB: I will.

EB: I gotta go now! But, uh, to be clear, it isn’t cause I’m uncomfortable or gonna ghost you or something! My brother’s getting Hawaiian for dinner today since it's Friday and I always drive with him.

TT: ham and pineapple? like, on pizza? are you kidding?

EB: Uh... no?

TT: oh _hell_ no.

TT: i _can’t_ date you. why didn’t you tell me you were like this?

EB: What’s wrong with Hawaiian? :/

TT: _everything._ just. fucking _everything._ you _heathen._

TT: can’t fuckin’ believe this shit.

TT: go get your pizza, but know, dorko: _this isn’t over_. i’ll have to convert you.

\-- tenaciousTully [TT] ceased pestering equineBranchus [EB] \--

* * *

\-- equineBranchus [EB] began pestering tenaciousTully [TT] \--

EB: Two things.

TT: what is this, charades?

EB: Haha, very funny. No! Firstly, the Hawaiian? Blissful. Amazing. _Delicious._

TT: doubtful. secondly?

EB: Secondly...

EB: Sure.

TT: ...what?

EB: Sure, as in let’s, uh. Let’s do it.

EB: _Let’s date._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The two wonderfully adorable title pieces for this chapter were done by[allison_mchugh_!](https://www.instagram.com/allison_mchugh_/?hl=en%20rel=) Many thanks! 
> 
> John’s little blurb in Japanese is supposed to be a shitty google translate to “How are you supposed to yaoi with someone who doesn’t understand anime?” but google keeps playin’ so rip 😔💔. formatting these pesterlogs? hell. absolute goddamn fucking hell. christ on crack.
> 
> i know the first note was already long as hell but i also wanna go ahead and thank all my pals who have read and provided me with feedback for this work (and especially [aloe.veran](https://www.instagram.com/aloe.veran/?hl=en) who even went as far as to give me some extremely helpful editing suggestions!!)
> 
> also, i wanted to go ahead and link some fanart/concept art for this au:  
> [my dirk egbert and john strider concept painting doodle things](https://www.instagram.com/p/CETB1uOAQ8Q/)  
> [dirk egbert for an artstyle bend thing i did](https://www.instagram.com/p/CEgoNySg9M-/)  
> [dirk teasing john with his weird sock puppet hobby (by ectobaby)](https://www.instagram.com/p/CETC7aaAe0I/)  
> [idiots in love watching a movie (by ectobaby)](https://www.instagram.com/p/CFLi4ubANwr/)
> 
> i will add to this as more art gets uploaded, so if you draw anyone from this au pls come find me ([attathey on insta!](https://www.instagram.com/attathey/)) and let me know! i'll link it here! :)


	2. man-eating moths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meet Dirk Egbert, the adorably confused and dorko-y half of our lovable anime protagonist duo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all of the support and comments on the last chapter! I'm glad y'all are enjoying these two messes. Also, apologies for the wait on this update! Fortunately, finals are done for me for the semester, so things should sail a bit more smoothly for me from here. Enjoy this chapter, and a bit of a break from all the uninterrupted blue and orange text walls!

Your name is Dirk Egbert and this was a horrible idea.

A very, _very_ horrible one.

Why did you ever believe it’d be a good idea to go out with someone you haven’t ever physically met? Stupid! Dumb!

You try to convince yourself it’s the panic bubbling up inside of you that’s making your heart beat faster in your chest when you look down for the 50th time tonight at this morning’s “mandatory casey+boyfriend pic.” No one told you he’d be that attractive.

To be fair, it’s not like you ever asked anyone.

Or knew of anyone who knew him so that you _could_ ask.

Not that you care that he’s attractive!

... But also, you guess, not that you don’t care!

The whole point of your relationship is that you’re trying to _figure out_ if you care!

...

Bluh! Y’know what? Forget it.

Moving on: horrible ideas and teenage confusion and drama aside, you’re a man on a mission.

EB: Can I have another Casey picture?

TT: i don’t know, can you?

Cheeky bastard.

EB: >:/

TT: haha, okay, okay. chill. one casey nude coming right up, as requested. with or without me in it? for reference.

You cover your face to hide your burning blush, though no one is looking. Your brother’s long been asleep and you’re alone in your room, buried beneath your rainbow dash themed duvet.

EB: It’s not a nude!

TT: she’s not wearing clothes, dude. of course it is.

EB: She’s a SALAMANDER, Lestat!

TT: ok? _and?_ what are you implying here? if i didn't know any better, i'd think you were being speciesist. shame on you, dorko.

EB: >:///

TT: heh. cute.

Fuck.

TT: anyways, you never answered my question.

EB: ... What?

TT: with or without me in it? ;)

Oh no. Oh jeez oh fuck _oh no._ You let your phone fall to your chest and squeeze your eyes shut. What do you say? Either way it’s gonna be weird! Your phone buzzes in the next second and you’re picking it back up.

TT: ... was the wink too much?

EB: Oh, uh! No, not at all. Uh, but. With, if you want. Or without. If you... don’t want?

TT: very eloquent.

EB: Hey! I’m trying my best, here!

TT: haha, i know, i know. it’s cute.

There it is again! _"Cute"!_ Why does he keep saying that! You don’t know how to respond – it freezes your thumbs where they lay on the screen and a bunch of nonsense letters start filling the text box, your face heating. It’s stupid, really. You’re not cute, you’ve never been _cute!_ You’re just! You. It’s weird that he finds you cute. He hasn’t even _seen_ you, how is he able to say that kind of stuff so easily and confidently? Oh, but wait. Wait, wait, wait. Oh _no_. He hasn't even seen you... and you know—for a fact, now—he's cute! Dammit, what if he sees you and regrets everything? Great, something else to be anxious about! Ugh! Nooo!

... Wait, why do you care what he thinks about you?

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

Does this mean you _like_ him?

TT: you okay there, dude? awfully quiet.

Your eyes flicker back down to your screen. Oh shit, you totally zoned out. As soon as you begin to clear the flustered mess your thumbs have left for you, you begin to type out a mildly reassuring reply—but he’s already started vomiting orange all over your screen again. He’s a wordy motherfucker.

TT: listen, i know i kinda keep saying this but, like, just lemme know if shit i’m doing or saying isn’t cool. i want you to feel comfortable. plus, we’re doing this for _you_ , so you can figure stuff out, so it’s important that you communicate with me.

A _kind_ wordy motherfucker. Man, you’re an asshole, aren’t you?

EB: Oh, jeez. Um, yeah, no, I got it, I will. Sorry.  


TT: hey, no need to apologize. but, seriously, it’s been a few weeks. before i give you more of my heart (casey), how’ve you been feeling with what we’ve been doing so far?  


Shit. See? You knew this was a bad idea. Fuck, you hate questions like this. Because, man. It’s fun to talk to Lestat, sure. You’ve started realizing that underneath all the jokes and the weird sarcasm and the pseudo-coolness, he’s just. A nerd. A nerdy nerd, with a bunch of stupid hobbies, like programming and awful movies and his stupidly cute salamander daughter.

And yeah, okay. Fine, you think he’s pretty attractive. But you’ve thought that before about people, objectively speaking. You’re pretty sure there’s a word somewhere for that. What’s it called, again? ‘Aesthetic attraction’, or something? Yeah, see? You know things. You’re smart.

But, like, here’s the thing: how do you even distinguish between thinking someone’s attractive and... like. Wanting to kiss them or bone them, or whatever? How do people figure that shit out? Do they just kiss and bone them and hope for the best and curse when it all goes wrong if they didn’t actually _want_ to kiss and bone them?

Cause, like. Your heart beats fast when you’re talking with him and he does stupid stuff like lie to you and tell you you’re cute. And even _you’re_ not dense enough to not know that blushing is usually associated with being flustered and that being flustered is usually associated with being, like. Y’know. Liking someone in a non-friend way. And you do that. You do the blushing thing. A lot. Like, maybe an unhealthy amount, actually.

But what if it’s all just nerves? And what if the butterflies in your stomach aren’t butterflies at all and are really like man-eating moths or something? And they’re giving you a warning that you’re uncomfortable but you don’t even _know_ you’re uncomfortable because you’ve never really liked anyone before! So, you’re just sitting here all confused and uncertain thinking you might like someone when you might actually not and the line is so blurred it’s wacky and you hate it and he’s asking you about it and _oh god_ _what do you even say._

Sigh.

Back to square one it is.

You steel yourself to type a whole bunch of maybe possibly disappointing bullshit and have Lestat be frustrated with you. Because, well. That’s just how it be sometimes for you. It really do.

EB: To be honest, there’s not much that I can really tell you about how I’m feeling. It’s just sorta? Confusing. But, like, I enjoy talking with you! And watching movies together and stuff. And your pictures of you and Casey are really cool! So, I mean... I don’t _think_ I’m uncomfortable?  


TT: you’re basically saying you’re cool with things that are not exactly me flirting with you, y’know.  


Yep, okay, see? You were right. He’s frustrated with you. Fuck. Shit. Damnit.

EB: It’s not that I’m _not_ cool with you flirting with me! It just... I’m not used to it. Like, at all. I really haven’t done this kind of thing before!  


TT: i mean, that was sorta implied, so. believe me, i get you... but, you know, if i don’t flirt with you this is basically just friendship, right? which is cool and all, but not really exactly what we were going for.  


EB: _I know that!!!_  


EB: Shit, I mean.  


EB: Ugh.  


EB: I’m sorry, I just. I’m _confused._ Sorry, I know it’s weird and probably frustrating for you. I don’t mean to be an ass and it’s not like you have to _stop_ flirting with me or something, I just... I never know what to say! So, I end up making things awkward! And I’m sure they don’t _have_ to be awkward, but I _make_ them that way, so!  


EB: I just!  


TT: whoa, hey, dorko. no.  


TT: hold on. chill a sec.  


TT: i think you’re mistaking my intentions here, possibly. i’m not trying to guilt you or put pressure on you or anything—it’s perfectly fine that you’re confused, dude. i just want to communicate ‘bout this kinda stuff because i don’t want you thinkin’ “oh man, i’m really not feeling this but i can’t tell him that and he just keeps going off and flirting with me when i really just wanna be friends.”  


TT: you feel me?  


EB: Oh.  


TT: yeah, so, it’s okay. i’m _glad_ you’ve told me where you’re at, if anything.  


Your face is burning.

Fuck.

You really just kinda assumed a whole bunch of stuff that wasn’t even there to be assumed didn’t you? Man, you’re such an asshole sometimes.

TT: so, what i’m hearing is... the flirting shit is fine; you just get so flustered you don’t really even know what to say or how to react.  


Oh no. You have a bad feeling about this.

EB: Uh. Um, kinda.  


TT: that’s _cute as hell._  


OH NO.

You lock your phone and shove it away from you and make a bunch of stupid squealy noises into your pillow that you hope to dear god are muffled enough. You just have literally no fucking idea what to do with all of this nervous energy and Lestat’s making it worse and he _knows_ he is! The jerk! The stupidly handsome jerk with his stupid dumb words that don’t make any sense!

EB: Hey! Ugh fcghdsjk. Goddamn it. Just send me Casey pics already!  


TT: your wish is my command, dorko. ;)  


EB: !!!!  


And then he sends you a picture of Casey perched on his _bare fucking chest_ and you block him for a bit, because it’s simply what he deserves.

* * *

Things go well, for a while. You get a little more used to his blatant flirting, and you eventually make it to a point where you feel like you can start flirting back, just a little (only really when you can get yourself to stop overthinking yourself to death over it—even then, he immediately flirts back with overwhelmingly stupid pick-up lines that shouldn’t be as good and smooth as he makes them. What can you say? Awful as they may be, they throw you off your game, so your reputation as “bottom as fuck” or whatever it was he called you has yet to be redeemed). You’ve watched stupid movies together for his sake; Ghostbusters, Con Air, National Treasure, Ghost Rider (dude REALLY has a thing for Nic Cage and it’s borderline obsessive and kinda weird but also kinda cute sometimes), and the like.

And, uh. Well, this is sorta embarrassing, but. You’re admittedly kinda a strange one, if that wasn’t already obvious. You have a fondness for... puppets... and ventriloquy. Not in a weird way, though! If ventriloquy can be Not Weird, even. Just, you think puppets are kinda cool! And. You sorta. Make your own.

They’re not anything fancy—mostly just sock puppets of your friends and family, which you have used to torture them over the years, like that one time you gave your cousin Rose’s 16th birthday speech for her vicariously, via Rosepuppet (god, her face was hilarious, it was great). But, you digress. The point is that you kinda made one for Lestat.

He did _not_ approve, sadly. And also, very aggressively. Weirdly enough, his main complaint was “it looks nothing like me, man!” which is... not true. You literally used the dumb pictures he sends you of his stupidly cute face as a reference. So, that sorta sparked up an ongoing conflict, which resulted in you doing something that may or may not have been mildy inconvenient.

Okay, who are you kidding. You made a shitty twitter meme account just to make fun of him—it has six followers (one of whom you’re pretty sure is some kind of weird creepy pedophile), you update once a day, and it has become a greatly amusing summer hobby for you. Lestat tried to report the account but when his request got updated it was all for naught because they didn’t find your content offensive enough to warrant any action and it was the highlight of your week. “Love wins.” — Plato, probably.

Little events like this get you through most of the summer in one piece. You talk a lot – so much so that your brother starts to catch on. One morning, you’re eating breakfast and your phone buzzes with what’s sure to be a lazy morning selfie from Lestat. You go to pick it up, and, grinning, David stops you.

“Who’s that, buddy? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Datemate?”

You sputter. “W-What? No, just... this dude.” You haven’t been able to work up the courage to tell him the fact that you’re trying out dating a guy, yet. Not after your last talk, which went south faster than a snow cone melting in hell. He quirks an eyebrow inquisitively, with a mouth just shoveled full of eggs, and you groan.

“He’s an online friend. He’s cool and pretty funny, so we talk a lot.” You’re avoiding looking at him as you speak and he squints at you suspiciously. He takes a moment to chew and swallow before calling you out on what, quite frankly, is a load of bull.

“That’s a load of bull, and you know it. Come on, talk to me.”

Yeah, you figured you weren’t gonna get out of this one, to be honest. He’s way too perceptive, for a dude in his early 30’s. He’s like a weird dad and he’s not even your dad although you guess he’s _kinda_ your dad because he’s okay yeah no you’re not thinking about this right now. You groan.

“Ugh, okay, jeez. We’re sorta dating? He’s helping me figure out if I’m gay or something.” David raises both of his eyebrows, whoa. One? Fine, okay, cool. You’re chill But _two?_ Man, you must really be throwing him for a loop.

“Is this because of the fact that I sorta—”

You cross your arms. “Assumed I was gay when I haven’t even dated anyone?”

“I was just trying to be understandi—okay, okay, point taken, stop looking at me like that. So, do you know this dude? Or...?” Ugh. Older brothers, always meddling and fussing and caring about you.

“No,” you say, fiddling with some toast, “like I said, he’s online. I met him on this dumb movie forum. He was kinda annoying at first, but we sorta hit it off. And then you said all the gay stuff and after I talked to him about it a little he offered to help me, so... that’s what this is.” David frowns a little.

Oh no. You know that look. He’s about to get all weird on you.

“So, what you’re saying is you don’t really know anything about him?”

“Oh jeez, bro, c’mon! He’s not some old creep or something! He sends me pictures—”

“He does _what now?”_ You glare at him pointedly.

“Let me finish, before you freak out, maybe?” And he’s not looking happy, but gestures for you to go ahead, pushing the eggs on his plate around like a scolded child. He kind of is one, sometimes. “I was _gonna_ say... he sends me pictures of his pet salamander, Casey, and himself every morning. And they’re consistent from one to the next. It’s been a pretty good while since he started doing that, so I doubt they’re fake.”

He’s still frowning at you.

“Do you even know his real name, Dirk? How old he is? Where he goes to school, what his home situation is like?”

“Want me to get his social security number, too?” You snap, scoffing, without thinking, and David’s frown deepens with disapproval. He sighs.

“I... I just want you to be safe. I care about you a lot, kid. You mean the world to me and I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you, you know?”

A lump forms in your throat. He says shit like that a lot—something about making up for the fact that your parents aren’t around to—but it’s hitting you kinda hard right now.

“Oh. Yeah, no, I understand. Sorry I snapped and stuff. I promise I’m being careful.” He looks at you for a second before smiling a bit strangely and standing. He lifts his empty plate with one hand and ruffles your hair with his other, effectively ruining it even more than you already had in your sleep before you woke up an hour ago.

“Hey, as long as you’re keeping alert and you don’t do anything stupid, you’re good. Just keep me updated. I’m proud of you, kiddo.” You try and fail to pretend like what he’s said is completely dumb and cheesy and not impactful at all. His hand leaves your head and he walks over to the sink to do a quick rinse of his used dishes. While he’s sticking them in the dishwasher, you steal a glance at your Pesterchum to see what Lestat sent you.

A smile tugs at your lips. He’s wearing a goofy grin, Casey nestled in his brown bed hair and... huh. He’s always wearing these dorky sunglasses, right? Inside, too. Like, what a loser. He thinks he’s so cool and he’s really not and it’s so cute. Anyways, the sunglasses have slid down the bridge of his nose a little, in the picture and... it’s not really showing enough to know for certain, and it could definitely be a random flicker of light or something, but... you think you see orange?

It’s not _bright_ orange or anything. More of a warm amber, if anything. But, still. It’s... a nice color. Sorta familiar, too? Which doesn’t really make any sense, realistically. Bluh. You start to feel weird about it and you’re pretty sure you’re just overthinking things again, so you stop and type out a quick response before working on finishing the rest of your breakfast.

David leaves for a booked photoshoot at his studio in the inner city soon enough and then, after you take care of your dishes, you’re free to do as you please for the rest of the day. You could ride your bike, maybe do some art or work on some stuff for your robotics club. The day has just begun, and your options are limitless. You have all the power, all the freedom, you can do _anything_ you want. You...

Just plop onto the couch and text Lestat.

Wow.

Way to be productive, Dirk.

This is how you’ve been spending most of your days, truth being told—which should mean that things between the two of you are going great, right? But... well, it’s getting a little weird.

It’s just been a few months since you’ve really been talking and dating and... you don’t know. You’re just wary. Your brother is right, after all. You don’t really know him. Uncertainty scares you—as it does most people, you’d like to think. But you guess maybe it scares Lestat less? ‘Cause he’s been talking about doing actual _calls_ lately, with voice and everything—and, like, visiting you? In person? Which is crazy, because you still haven’t worked up the nerve to send him a goddamn picture of yourself, so he has _no_ fucking idea what you look like. None.

For Christ’s sake... he doesn’t even really know your _name_ —and you don’t know his! You’ve just been calling each other Dorko and Lestat and it’s been dumb as _hell,_ but... how do you just casually say, “Hey, isn’t this kind of weird? What’s your actual name?”

Well. Maybe you would say it just like that, actually. It’s really not a big deal, now that you think about it. But it still feels sorta awkward, ‘cause it’s been _actual_ months and you haven’t corrected each other, so... what are you supposed to do? Besides, he doesn’t seem worried about it when he calls you that stupid nickname, anyways.

Back to the matter at hand: things are getting kind of serious.

You don’t really know what to do. It’s not like you _don’t_ like him... in fact, you’ve grown to really like him. You genuinely think he’s really attractive and you’ve had less than friendly thoughts about him in that regard for quite a while now. You feel at ease talking with him and watching stupid movies and anime with him and you trust him enough to share your interests with him. That should all count for _something_ right?

But... it’s all just to an extent. Your brother’s words keep echoing around in your head and you frown, letting your phone fall to your chest. It’s nerve-wracking to think about sending him any pictures of yourself, or calling him by his actual name, or hearing his voice, or meeting him. It all feels so... distant to you, if that makes sense. You don’t understand what about it makes your stomach turn with unease, but it does.

Once you’ve had this realization, that’s it. Things begin to spiral.

* * *

You doodle idly in the margins of your notes, only half listening to the video you're watching as part of a summer assignment. One earbud slips and falls away from your ear, and you don't even bother to replace it. Your phone buzzes and you pick it up, stomach flipping in anticipation.

You haven't really been able to talk to Lestat for too long, these days. You're on edge, always worried he's going to bring up the elephant in the room. You really don't have much to be worried about; when he does bring it up, it's always casual, and he's been surprisingly patient with you. But maybe that's what makes it all the more nerve-wracking. It'd be so much easier to say no and brush him off if he were being a pushy asshole about it.

Regardless, you're beginning to feel like every message you send to him is fake. An act.

You know he can tell. You just _know_ he can. You can feel it. When you take a look at the message he's sent you, it only confirms your theory.

TT: you busy today or something?  


He _knows._

EB: Huh? No, not really, why?  


TT: i don’t know, you just seem sorta distracted. are things good?  


EB: Oh, yeah! Sorry, I'm doing some homework and I guess I’m also just a little lost in thought right now.  


TT: ... gotcha. well, you wanna do something tonight if you don’t have much going on?  


EB: Sure! :)  


EB: What did you have in mind?  


TT: i was thinking maybe we could pick up where we left off on our beautiful nic cage journey, or maybe you could stream some art or we could watch mlp or something. or... maybe, if you want, we could do a call?  


Oh no.

TT: you know what i’m partial to, out of all of that, though.  


EB: Nic Cage? :P  


TT: haha, nice try. i want to hear your _voice,_ dumbass.  


Fuck.

Shit.

Your heart beats faster in your chest and you’re not sure if it’s out of the anxiety build-up or if it’s because _holy shit he wants to hear your voice._ Maybe both. Maybe neither and you’re actually just having a stroke because of that whole bag of Cheez-its you ate by yourself the other day and you’re going to die, you’re going to die an early, young death over some dairy crackers. You bite your lip.

EB: Oh.  


EB: Um.  


EB: Okay.  


Real smooth, Egbert.

TT: you don’t sound too enthusiastic... y’know you don’t _have_ to if you don’t want to, right? i mean, i’m not gonna lie, it _is_ kinda a bummer that i don’t get to hear what my boyfriend sounds like or... see you, either, i guess. it’s a little weird, yeah. but, also, i get it if you’re uncomfortable, what with this being an online thing and all. i’m not gonna push you, you feel me?  


You have no idea what to say to any of that. You head is swimming and you’re kinda starting to freak out and all you can see are the words “bummer” and “weird” before your fingers are moving faster than you can think to stop them.

EB: Haha, yeah, sorry... I guess it _is_ kinda weird, isn’t it? We can do a call tonight, if you want!  


TT: ... wait, like, actually?  


TT: are you sure?  


TT: i was being serious, if you really aren’t cool with it you don’t have to.  


EB: Yeah, I’m sure!  


TT: oh. oh, shit. okay. i sorta didn’t actually think you were gonna say yes. like, at all.  


And with the way your stomach is turning in time with the pounding in your ribcage, maybe you shouldn’t have.

TT: dorko, you have no idea how happy this is making me. i’m really excited.  


You, on the other hand, feel like you’re going to throw up. What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you just... fucking. Be normal. Just do it and be fine and not be anxious. Why?

EB: :) So am I!  


Later that night after dinner, you’re hard at work: perched at your desk working on a robotics project that you’ve affectionately dubbed “Hal” for ironic purposes (because _A Space Odyssey_ is a great movie and no one should ever disagree). There are some intricacies with the wiring that are kind of sensitive, so you’re trying your best to not to let your hands shake too hard as you’re messing with them, tongue caught between your lips in concentration.

When your phone starts buzzing, you pause, taking a hot second to just... look at it, before picking it up. You bite your lip and your stomach does a flip in tandem with your heart when you see the name.

You hold the button on the side down until the screen goes dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor baby. he's a mess, isn't he? i relate. also, pesterlogs SUCK. they suck so bad. i do not recommend them. a huge thank you once again to [Vera](https://www.instagram.com/aloe.veran/?hl=en) for providing editing suggestions and helping me proofread this bad boy!  
> anyways, thanks for reading! <3


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